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Love Can Win

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I am not happy about our new president. Watching the events of the election play out, I was appalled and saddened by his many hurtful words and actions. The day after he was elected, I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed that such a hateful man could rise to such power.

I know this particular election was extremely hard for everyone. People had their reasons for voting how they did. I am trying to extend grace to those who voted for Trump. I don’t always do that well, but I’m trying.

For me and for so many others, this election was not about “our side losing.” I’m registered NPA (No Party Affiliation). I don’t have a side. I’ve voted Democrat and I’ve voted Republican. I hate the two party system. I think it does little more than keep us divided. This election is also not about policies. Any one else could have won and I would have been fine, even if I disagreed with his/her policies.

This is about a man who is extremely unqualified. A man who admitted to committing sexual assault and then dismissed it as no big deal. A man that is so un-Christlike and yet still captured the vote of so many Christians. This is about a man that scares me. A lot.

I am sad and fearful.

And yet today, I feel a glimmer of hope. I saw pictures of the brave women (and men) who peacefully protested. I saw unity and love. I did not march with them physically, but I applaud their courage.

I am choosing to speak out in my own way. Tonight, I finished a song that has been floating through my head for months. I started it last year shortly after Trump announced he was running. After hearing many of his hateful words, I sat down and strummed through some chords. Three words came to mind as I hummed a melody.

Love can win.

I have come back to those words so many times over the past year. Some days I am completely overwhelmed by the hate in the world, yet I refuse to give up hope.

Love can win.

I came back to those words tonight. This song is my reminder to me and to any one listening.

Love Can Win

The more of this world that I see
The more I want to pack up and leave
Life is heavy and so much feels wrong
Hate is here and it feels so strong
I’m left wondering, can love win?

Hate overwhelms all the tones of the heart
It crushes and it stomps on every single part
But there is one tone that always rings true
It pushes through the darkness and brings light to every hue
And to this I will cling, love can win

Hate you have no place here
Love has made the way clear

Love is stronger than any other force
It multiplies and grows from every source
So I will keep fighting with every bit of my heart
This is the message I want to impart
Love can win, love can win

Love can win, love can win, love can win

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My real problem

I started writing to work through some really tangled issues in my head. I had a problem and I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to get to the root of it, solve it, and move on.

For a couple years, I’ve assumed my problem was with worship. Since musical worship used to be so special and now is just music, I figured my issue was with that. And while much of the difficulty lies there, it’s bigger than worship.

I think I’ve uncovered the root of my problem, why worship feels fake, and why going to church is such a struggle for me. It’s bigger than not liking the music style or the selection of songs.

I’ve become disillusioned by the Christian culture. This culure that has made me believe this happy, safe bubble was the way to live. That by surrounding myself with music that only speaks of Jesus or shopping in stores that limit their market to the select Christian evangelical, I will be well. Saved. Blessed.

Then I hit the real world, and my bubble got popped. That happy little Christian world I built up has crumbled around me, leaving me in shell shock as I brush off the pieces.

I see Christian music as a marketing tool and Christian stores as irrelevant chains that keep Christians locked away from the real world. I’m resentful. I’m shaking my fist at the church, screaming, “How dare you misguide me?”

I’m completely disillusioned with the church, with Christian subculture, with worship music, with every shiny piece of merchandise that states, “Jesus is the light of the world.”

It makes sense that this problem would surface most obviously in music. Music shaped much of my adult life and made me who I am today. It’s the career path I chose. I believed that I would be taking my music and using it always to glorify Jesus.

And I think that is still my purpose, but with a slightly divergent path.

I’m thankful that I’ve been able to identify the root of my problem. From here, I hope to continue to work through my resentments and emerge healed, albeit bumped and bruised from the journey.

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Writing to process

I found this bit of attempted poetry/song lyrics in an old journal recently.

Pen to paper

Brings healing

And clarity of mind

Thoughts written out

Dealt with

And then left behind

This is ultimately my motivation for writing. My mind is a big, jumbled, scary mess. I often am afraid to even go there. I am a typical emotional woman, and during certain times of the month I get so overwhelmed that I burst into tears because I don’t even know what’s going on in my brain. I try to take deep breaths, process, and think through, often to no avail.

This is why writing has been a savior to me for so long. It’s why I’ve got a big bin filled with journals I’ve filled through the years. It’s why I’ll often sit in coffee shops and spend hours spilling onto page after page after page. After I write, it makes sense.

It’s why I have a desire for songwriting. If I can put thoughts/emotions into a neat little song structure, it makes more sense to my brain. I can rest easy, knowing things have been processed.

It’s why I started this blog.

In recent years, I’ve struggled with worship in ways that I myself cannot even comprehend. My brain has been racing with worship issues, and I wanted and needed to sort through them. I knew that writing was the way to do it. As I vented to my husband about my struggle, he would tell me, “Sounds like a book that needs to be written.”

So I started to write. Little snippets here and there. I’ve written memories to sort through and maybe locate the source of disconnect in this worship thing. I’m hoping to turn it into some sort of book, if for nothing else than to have it make coherent sense in my brain.

At first, I kept the snippets to myself, then I soon decided to put some of it out there, and this blog was formed.

I have managed to put some of my issues and frustrations into coherent posts and put some of that struggle into place in my brain. However, much of it still remains a jumbled mess. Sometimes I have an idea for a post, a struggle I need to process through, so I sit down to write. It won’t come. I write words but none of it makes sense. I try to connect sentences and they won’t connect.

I’m hoping at some point to offer some answers in this whole journey. But I’m not there yet. I’m still in the struggle through it phase. I thank you for letting me process here and I hope that soon all my jumbled thoughts will make sense.

A couple of weeks after discovering the buried piece of poetry that I shared at the beginning of this post, I was pleasantly surprised to find it slowly evolve into a song. Enjoy “Words on a Page,” my ode to journaling and writing. Lyrics below the video.

Words on a Page

Pen to paper
Brings healing and clarity of mind
Thoughts written out
Dealt with
And then left behind

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay

Things trapped inside
Don’t always know what I might find there
Sometimes hurt
Sometimes hope, sometimes a helpless prayer

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page

Free my soul
Release all control

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page