I started writing to work through some really tangled issues in my head. I had a problem and I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to get to the root of it, solve it, and move on.
For a couple years, I’ve assumed my problem was with worship. Since musical worship used to be so special and now is just music, I figured my issue was with that. And while much of the difficulty lies there, it’s bigger than worship.
I think I’ve uncovered the root of my problem, why worship feels fake, and why going to church is such a struggle for me. It’s bigger than not liking the music style or the selection of songs.
I’ve become disillusioned by the Christian culture. This culure that has made me believe this happy, safe bubble was the way to live. That by surrounding myself with music that only speaks of Jesus or shopping in stores that limit their market to the select Christian evangelical, I will be well. Saved. Blessed.
Then I hit the real world, and my bubble got popped. That happy little Christian world I built up has crumbled around me, leaving me in shell shock as I brush off the pieces.
I see Christian music as a marketing tool and Christian stores as irrelevant chains that keep Christians locked away from the real world. I’m resentful. I’m shaking my fist at the church, screaming, “How dare you misguide me?”
I’m completely disillusioned with the church, with Christian subculture, with worship music, with every shiny piece of merchandise that states, “Jesus is the light of the world.”
It makes sense that this problem would surface most obviously in music. Music shaped much of my adult life and made me who I am today. It’s the career path I chose. I believed that I would be taking my music and using it always to glorify Jesus.
And I think that is still my purpose, but with a slightly divergent path.
I’m thankful that I’ve been able to identify the root of my problem. From here, I hope to continue to work through my resentments and emerge healed, albeit bumped and bruised from the journey.