Writing to process

I found this bit of attempted poetry/song lyrics in an old journal recently.

Pen to paper

Brings healing

And clarity of mind

Thoughts written out

Dealt with

And then left behind

This is ultimately my motivation for writing. My mind is a big, jumbled, scary mess. I often am afraid to even go there. I am a typical emotional woman, and during certain times of the month I get so overwhelmed that I burst into tears because I don’t even know what’s going on in my brain. I try to take deep breaths, process, and think through, often to no avail.

This is why writing has been a savior to me for so long. It’s why I’ve got a big bin filled with journals I’ve filled through the years. It’s why I’ll often sit in coffee shops and spend hours spilling onto page after page after page. After I write, it makes sense.

It’s why I have a desire for songwriting. If I can put thoughts/emotions into a neat little song structure, it makes more sense to my brain. I can rest easy, knowing things have been processed.

It’s why I started this blog.

In recent years, I’ve struggled with worship in ways that I myself cannot even comprehend. My brain has been racing with worship issues, and I wanted and needed to sort through them. I knew that writing was the way to do it. As I vented to my husband about my struggle, he would tell me, “Sounds like a book that needs to be written.”

So I started to write. Little snippets here and there. I’ve written memories to sort through and maybe locate the source of disconnect in this worship thing. I’m hoping to turn it into some sort of book, if for nothing else than to have it make coherent sense in my brain.

At first, I kept the snippets to myself, then I soon decided to put some of it out there, and this blog was formed.

I have managed to put some of my issues and frustrations into coherent posts and put some of that struggle into place in my brain. However, much of it still remains a jumbled mess. Sometimes I have an idea for a post, a struggle I need to process through, so I sit down to write. It won’t come. I write words but none of it makes sense. I try to connect sentences and they won’t connect.

I’m hoping at some point to offer some answers in this whole journey. But I’m not there yet. I’m still in the struggle through it phase. I thank you for letting me process here and I hope that soon all my jumbled thoughts will make sense.

A couple of weeks after discovering the buried piece of poetry that I shared at the beginning of this post, I was pleasantly surprised to find it slowly evolve into a song. Enjoy “Words on a Page,” my ode to journaling and writing. Lyrics below the video.

Words on a Page

Pen to paper
Brings healing and clarity of mind
Thoughts written out
Dealt with
And then left behind

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay

Things trapped inside
Don’t always know what I might find there
Sometimes hurt
Sometimes hope, sometimes a helpless prayer

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page

Free my soul
Release all control

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page