It’s been a rough year for me. Through it all, I’ve fluctuated between firmly believing God is in control to pity parties because I’m so flipping miserable.
My health has been the issue that tends to throw me into a downward spiral. I’ve shared briefly in the past about an issue I’ve been having with my left ear; a constant feeling of pressure that will not go away. In the last year, I’ve had blood tests, x-rays, CT scans, allergy tests, steroid prescriptions and a minor surgical procedure done. I’ve spent more money on doctor visits than I ever have before.
After all that, I was finally (properly) diagnosed. The problem was given a name: Pulsatile Tinnitus. (I’ll let you google that if you’re really curious.)
Even though it was a relief to finally know what was going on, I was crushed to hear that there was nothing that could be done for it. Luckily, it’s not life threatening or painful. It’s just really annoying to live with.
I’m left wondering, “Why, God? Why? You’re the great healer, so why not fix this?”
And maybe He will. I have faith that He could. But He’s not fixing it right now. For whatever reason, I’ve been plagued with this weird ailment that sometimes makes me dizzy and exhausted.
I’ve thrown my pity parties. I’ve been angry at God. I’m annoyed that He gave me this thorn in my side.
But what good does that do?
I know that God does not always give us wonderful days and easy times. I’ve known that from the start of this whole Christian journey. So why should I be surprised when things don’t go my way?
When it all comes down to it, He is always faithful and still deserves my worship. If I only worship Him when things are going well, that makes me a pretty shallow person.
So I’ll continue to thank Him for all the good in my life (because there is plenty) and tell Him how awesome He is. Even if it’s just a little prayer eked out here and there because that’s all I have energy for. My worship right now won’t be big and energetic, but that’s okay. It’s coming from where I’m at; low energy and tired, but still trying.
He is still worthy, no matter how bad things get.
Question: How have you worshiped through the hard times in your life?
Health issues seem to be the icing on the cake in tough times. 2 years ago I was hospitalized for a week – turns out that out of nowhere a freak anemia became a part of my daily life. A perfectly healthy male in his early twenties went from playing 4 intramural sports to getting blood work, infusions, and a host of painful/inconvenient tests every month. Thankfully that every month has turned into every three months, and by next year it should be every six.
There was definitely joy to be found though. Because of what my hematologists specialized in all my treatments were through a cancer center – so I got to meet people who were really really sick and they ended up being such an encouragement. Not that we should compare sufferings – but seeing His sufficiency in a range of situations helps us believe that he will also be more than enough for our own troubles.
That’s a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad the blood work isn’t as frequent!
I haven’t done a great job. I find myself moving back and forth in those situations.
Yup. Me too.
Beautiful, honest post Jamie. Yes, I’ve chosen to worship through the hard times too. He IS faithful!
Thanks, Eileen.
Jamie,
I guess when I am going through struggles my praise in not so good. I go between questioning God to still acknowledging his wonder. It is hard at times to do so and it is hard to feel good. I sometimes acknowledge it through teeth clenched together.
I am reminded of this song by Amy Grant and until this year I had never thought of this viewpoint of God:
Better than a Hallelujah
By Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mother’s tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard’s cry
The soldier’s plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame
for what’s been done
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out,
singing out
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Those are beautiful lyrics. Thanks for sharing.