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How I wish the church would celebrate Easter

I was about twelve before I even knew that Easter was about Jesus. He got swallowed up in colored eggs and green plastic grass and black jellybeans that I would pawn off on my Dad. I remember sitting in church one day and for whatever reason I was actually listening to the pastor. I heard him speak of Jesus rising from the dead and he said, “This is why we celebrate Easter!”

I was shocked. It wasn’t about candy? I felt a little guilty that I hadn’t clued into it before.

Since then I’ve tried to focus more on Jesus and thank Him for what He did for me. I mean, you don’t rise from the dead everyday.

This year, Easter was a struggle for me. For many reasons, I’ve been battling exhaustion, and the thought of joyfully celebrating was more than I could take. It’s not that I don’t want to thank Jesus. I just don’t want to thank Him with loud music and deafening “Hallelujahs!”

I think I also struggled with the fact that Easter seems to have become no more than a chance to impress the unchurched. Let’s put on our Sunday finest (or not, since we want to impress the “come as you are” group), choose our best music, preach our best sermon, and see if we can’t get these darned C&E Christians to stay put for once.

Not that that’s not a valiant effort. Reaching out to the unchurched is important and one of the things we’re called to. But I long for something more, something real, something down-in-the-dirt, something Jesus would have done kind of thing.

I stumbled across this article last week and thought, “This is the kind of thing I want to take part in.”

Please read the article if you have time. It’s a sweet story pulled from a book, and reading it makes me want to be a part of that church. Doing what they did makes me sweaty and nervous just thinking about it, which means it’s probably something that needs to be done.

There is a part two to the story, and it’s also worth a read if you have time.

I hope you had a blessed Easter.

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Why worship shouldn’t always take place in the walls of the church

A friend sent me this video this week.

I hope that you will watch the entire thing. I am so ashamed to admit that when I started the video and saw a homeless man walk up, my first thought was it was a desperate cry for attention or money. But when his sweet Jamaican accent started singing, “Hallelujah is the highest praise!” all the cynicism in my heart melted.

I read the summary below the video on youtube, and apparently Carlos Whittaker (a pastor, worship leader, artist, and creative thinker that has caught my attention at his blog) was trying to shoot the EPK for his record. While recording, Danny, a homeless man, walked up, bowed down, and started singing his own praise. Instead of shooing him away so they could continue their video, Carlos kept on playing and singing along. Danny jams along, making up his own words and singing at the top of his lungs to God.

At the end of the video, Carlos hugs him and there is some dialogue that is hard to hear. This is what they say.

Carlos: “Keep trying to make it man.”

Danny: “Trying to make it? No man. I ain’t trying to make it. I’m making it. Jah puts His soldiers everywhere. Jah says, Yea though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death. So He places some of us in that valley.”

I think one of the things that gets me so frustrated about worship is always doing it within the walls of the church. We’re comfortable there and there’s no dirty homeless person to make us feel icky. We’re surrounded by people that are in our social and economic class and are all clean and well groomed. It’s safe.

I am totally guilty of this. My heart absolutely goes out to homeless people, but honestly, they scare me. Part of this is because I’m a skinny, scrawny white girl and I’m scared for my life. But I still long to help them.

I’d love to take worship outside the walls of the church and meet some people that make me uncomfortable. Not make it a big stage and light show but have it be about pure worship. Meet some people like Danny that amaze me, inspire me, and scare me.

Do you have any ideas how we could take worship outside the church?

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Introverted Worship

I have made an eye opening discovery recently.

I am an introvert.

That’s not the discovery, I’ve known that for years. The discovery I’ve made is how it relates to worship and church.

I am an introvert trying to worship in an extroverted church.

I recently stumbled upon this blog and got so excited. I’ve been reading posts here and there and will be ordering the book. There are others out there just like me! As I’ve read a bit, I’m realizing how much the modern day church is built around the extroverted life.

I am not loud and boisterous and being around people that are exhausts me. It’s the same thing with worship. Being around loud, boisterous worshipers is kind of tiring. Some days (most days) I just want a quiet, simple, introspective sort of worship.

Would I rather worship in:

a) A big, full sanctuary filled with loud music and people clapping and jumping.

or:

b) A quiet hike through a beautiful forest, alone with my thoughts.

I think I’ll take option b.

I have my extroverted moments, and sometimes I really enjoy loud music and being with people. But at the end of a long week where I’ve already spent all day long with people, I’d rather be alone. If I want to genuinely worship, I need quiet.

It explains why I so long for quiet from the church.

It explains why I often shut down when the music gets louder and I’m told to put my hands together.

Perhaps I’ve just been hard on myself, forcing myself to be comfortable in a situation that I simply cannot be comfortable in.

Question: How do you think the church can make introverts more comfortable and offer more introverted moments of worship?

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Songwriting

I’ve shared a couple songs that I’ve written here, and hope to continue to do so. However, not all my songs are going to involve worship and therefore will not fit here.

I’ve created a youtube channel to post all my attempts at songwriting. For those interested in my continued efforts, please visit my channel and subscribe.

Also, I’m honored to be “featured” on Save the Artist‘s website. This is a great site that seeks to encourage and inspire artists of all sorts: musicians, writers, photographers, illustrators, graphic designers; you name it. If you have a creative side, I’d encourage you to check out their site. While you’re there, check out the sweet post they put up about my first song, You Are. I did a double take when I read “up-and-coming songwriter.” Sometimes I feel like I’m still not a real songwriter, so I was honored to read this. Many thanks to their support of my work. If you have creative work that you’d like to contribute to their community page, let them know.

Thanks for your support!

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Writing to process

I found this bit of attempted poetry/song lyrics in an old journal recently.

Pen to paper

Brings healing

And clarity of mind

Thoughts written out

Dealt with

And then left behind

This is ultimately my motivation for writing. My mind is a big, jumbled, scary mess. I often am afraid to even go there. I am a typical emotional woman, and during certain times of the month I get so overwhelmed that I burst into tears because I don’t even know what’s going on in my brain. I try to take deep breaths, process, and think through, often to no avail.

This is why writing has been a savior to me for so long. It’s why I’ve got a big bin filled with journals I’ve filled through the years. It’s why I’ll often sit in coffee shops and spend hours spilling onto page after page after page. After I write, it makes sense.

It’s why I have a desire for songwriting. If I can put thoughts/emotions into a neat little song structure, it makes more sense to my brain. I can rest easy, knowing things have been processed.

It’s why I started this blog.

In recent years, I’ve struggled with worship in ways that I myself cannot even comprehend. My brain has been racing with worship issues, and I wanted and needed to sort through them. I knew that writing was the way to do it. As I vented to my husband about my struggle, he would tell me, “Sounds like a book that needs to be written.”

So I started to write. Little snippets here and there. I’ve written memories to sort through and maybe locate the source of disconnect in this worship thing. I’m hoping to turn it into some sort of book, if for nothing else than to have it make coherent sense in my brain.

At first, I kept the snippets to myself, then I soon decided to put some of it out there, and this blog was formed.

I have managed to put some of my issues and frustrations into coherent posts and put some of that struggle into place in my brain. However, much of it still remains a jumbled mess. Sometimes I have an idea for a post, a struggle I need to process through, so I sit down to write. It won’t come. I write words but none of it makes sense. I try to connect sentences and they won’t connect.

I’m hoping at some point to offer some answers in this whole journey. But I’m not there yet. I’m still in the struggle through it phase. I thank you for letting me process here and I hope that soon all my jumbled thoughts will make sense.

A couple of weeks after discovering the buried piece of poetry that I shared at the beginning of this post, I was pleasantly surprised to find it slowly evolve into a song. Enjoy “Words on a Page,” my ode to journaling and writing. Lyrics below the video.

Words on a Page

Pen to paper
Brings healing and clarity of mind
Thoughts written out
Dealt with
And then left behind

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay

Things trapped inside
Don’t always know what I might find there
Sometimes hurt
Sometimes hope, sometimes a helpless prayer

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page

Free my soul
Release all control

What am I trying to say?
I don’t know
But I know that’s okay
This simple act helps assuage
All my fears
It’s more than words on a page

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Cheesy worship

One of my biggest hang-ups about worship is that it’s cheesy. I long for more depth and complexity in the songs. They’re often trite and predictable. I long for authenticity and not just the sing-songy melodies that always seem to accompany worship songs.

And yet, I’m finding that sometimes those songs fit perfectly.

A few months back, I went to a funeral for one of my residents. I shared recently that I work in a retirement facility, and one of the sad parts of the job is the unavoidable death. I sat in one of the back pews with a co-worker, and I realized too late that I had neglected to bring tissues. She fumbled through her purse and found two. I tried to ration it, knowing I only had one for the entire service. The thing was soggy within two minutes.

Family members stood up and shared stories, while a slide show set to music showed my resident in her earlier years. A nephew stood up, acoustic guitar in hand, and performed “I Can Only Imagine,” a song that I feel has been vastly overdone. Suddenly, it was no longer cheeseball. It fit perfectly.

A church employee stepped to the piano and performed a beautiful rendition of a Chris Tomlin song. Chris Tomlin, although a good musician and songwriter, is one of the most overplayed Christian artists, in my opinion. Therefore, I usually roll my eyes when his songs are done. Yet, once again, at this memorial service, it fit perfectly and even brought more tears to my eyes.

Christian and worship music is cheesy. I’m finding that sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes the simple, cheeseball songs bring comfort that is desperately needed.

Question: Has there ever been a time when a song you thought was cheesy or overrated was suddenly perfect?

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Megachurches

A friend recently posted this picture on Facebook.

I immediately burst out laughing, because I have this thought every time I see a large, overpriced church.

I think this is one of those controversial topics within the church. I am so mission minded that every time a church gets hung up on seemingly commercial items, I think, “Shouldn’t we give this money to the poor? Feed the hungry? Something Jesus would do?”

Years ago, when I still sung with the church choir, new choir robes were being purchased. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat every time the topic came up and they passed around a shiny catalog of choir robes going for $200 or more. I wanted to shout out, “WHY DO WE EVEN NEED THESE???” It seemed so frivolous. Was Jesus really going to care what I was singing in?

When this picture went up on Facebook, one person defended the megachurch, saying that her church fed and taught many people in the community. They were doing great things. This is true. We never really know what’s going on the rest of the week until we get involved. I ought not to be super critical.

Super expensive things in worship still make me uncomfortable. I know we need to love on Jesus and part of that is through His building that we worship in, but when is it too much?

I think of this story.

While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of Simon the Leper,  a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.

When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. “This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.”

Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Matthew 26:6-13

I so would have been one of the ones on the sideline yelling, “Hey! What gives? Why the waste?” And then I would have been shocked when Jesus criticized me.

It’s such a fine line. Where is it too much? What do you think? Do megachurches make you uncomfortable?

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Church people

Church would be a wonderful place if it weren’t for all the people.

I’m coming to grips with the fact that I have resentments toward church people. I thought I had processed through some of it, but I’m learning that it comes back and bites me in the butt when I least expect it.

Like many others, I’ve been burned by people in the church. Church committees that make stupid decisions I can’t get behind; friends that have been used and abused for their talents; a vicious rumor that someone (I don’t know who and it’s probably a good thing) decided to start about me and someone else.

Each little hurtful thing that church people do builds up. That wall of resentment I have inside was built up brick by brick, resentment by resentment. Now it’s really hard for me to trust people. I don’t know who is safe to trust. I don’t who I should let in.

I know it’s wise to not let everyone in. People have to earn your trust. I carry it to the extreme, and shut out everyone. I retreat into myself, which turns into a scary place of bitterness and cynicism. Once I’m trapped inside, I don’t know how to get out.

I know it’s unreasonable and impossible to have church without the people. It’s part of the package. The church is the people. As much as I don’t want to deal with the shiny happy Christian or the overbearing Christian or the Christian that I just don’t get, it’s all part of it. It’s part of this messy journey called faith.

I have heard it said that hurt people hurt people. I so often forget that every Christian that crosses my path is broken in some way. They’ve been broken hearted, abused, neglected, beat down, and hurt. We don’t always figure out healthy ways to process all that gunk and sometimes (unintentionally), we take that out on those around us. I’ve been guilty of it too.

Grace is such a needed trait in all of us. We need the grace to forgive those around us. We (I) can’t expect to never get hurt if we (I) want to fully engulf ourselves in this community. I struggle with showing grace to those around me sometimes because I focus so much on the injustice done to me.

It’s time to let that go. I’m still not entirely sure how, but as always, I’m learning as I go.

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You Are

Recently I have been working on my dreams and uncovering some passions in my life. One of them is songwriting. It’s something I have felt called to do for years and have dabbled in with other musicians. One of my ultimate goals was to sit down and write a song all by myself. With the help and encouragement from fellow dreamers I’ve connected with on JonAcuff.com, and some motivation from the Quitter Conference I recently attended, I am beginning to see that dream come to fruition.

I’ve sat down this month and worked on churning out a few songs. I’ve completed two. Ironically, my first song was a worship song.

I found it funny that through all my criticism and ragging on Christian and worship music that I wrote a worship song. But I felt that I really wanted to pour out my own heart to God, with my own words. So often I feel I can’t sing along with a worship song because I can’t really get behind the words. So I wrote something that feels true, at least to me. It’s honest and simple.

I gotta be honest… I’m terrified about putting my music out there. My current songwriting capabilities are not where I would like them to be. But I know I need to start somewhere and my first few songs are not going to be stellar. But even so, this first song is kinda special to me.

So without further adieu or more excuses, here is my first song. I’ve got lyrics under the video.

Enjoy.

You Are
You are real
You are more than what I feel
You are
You are
You are more than a song
You are peace when all is wrong
You are
You are
(chorus)
You are perfection
You’re my direction
I want You to be all I need
You are consuming
You are moving
Come be all I need
You are all I want to want
You are all that haunts me
You are
You are
(chorus)
You are why I live
Or at least You should be
You are strength when I have nothing left to give
You are the best of me
(chorus out)