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Gratitude list

Here’s what I’m thankful for this month.

  1. Thanksgiving. The idea of a day full of rest, thankfulness and food is just brilliant.
  2. Pumpkin spice coffee.
  3. The smell of a Christmas tree when I walk in my house.
  4. My husband’s constant hysterical jokes. That man can always make me laugh.
  5. Buy one get one deals at Publix. This last week included flowers. I’m cheap and I like pretty flowers, so it was a win-win.
  6. Nice weather. Although I’d love to have it actually feel like winter when I’m picking out a Christmas tree, I can’t complain too much about temperatures in the 70s.
  7. Long walks that help me clear my head.
  8. My guitar. Though I haven’t picked it up much lately, I feel blessed that I can create music.
  9. Meals that create leftovers and make meal planning much easier for the week.
  10. Time with my nephew. While Mom ran errands, he and I hung out at the park near my house. We decided the swirly slide isn’t all that exciting. Click the link to see his barely contained enthusiasm. IMG_0283
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Time to take a break

I’ve been thinking and praying about this blog lately. And I’ve decided it’s time I took a break. I love this space and the chance it’s given me to process, but I’ve realized lately that I think about worship. A LOT. Mainly because I’m looking for post ideas.

I need to stop thinking so much.

Like I’ve mentioned before, I need to stop doing and just be.

So, for the month of December, I’m stepping back. No blogging or writing about worship. The blog will still be up and running, but instead of new material, I’m going to re-run some old blogs. I also plan on taking a break from promoting, so no tweets or Facebook posts. If you want to stay informed of when posts go up, subscribe via e-mail. You’ll find it on the right side of the home page, underneath my picture and the most popular posts. Or, just check back every Monday and Thursday.

Next week, I will post my usual gratitude list on Monday (because I desperately need it), and the rest of the month will be old material. I look forward to connecting with you all in the New Year and wish you a wonderful Christmas season.

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The meaning behind the tag line

The tagline on my blog is “Thoughts from a Recovering Worship Leader.” I haven’t talked much about that and what I mean by it. A large part is feeling burnt out by this whole worship thing and needing to take a step back. When I led, I often felt empty and dry, like I had nothing to offer to people. It was like my well inside me was sucked dry. I served until I had nothing left.

The last service that I led worship for was a recovery service called Celebrate Recovery. I walked into that service out of curiosity, not addiction. I was a relatively well adjusted church girl with no issues (how naïve I was). I had heard great things about the service and what they were doing, so I began attending. Long story short, I took part in the small groups and a step study and realized I wasn’t as well adjusted as I thought. I uncovered feelings of fear and insecurity. I found safety in that service, along with real, genuine people. I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery to anyone, not just alcoholics and drug addicts.

I was approached about leading worship for that service, and after some prayer, accepted. I was hesitant, because I was starting to feel the struggle of worship that plagued me and still plagues me. I felt like a fake up there, because I didn’t have it all together. But then I realized that nobody in that room had it all together. I was in good company.

I led worship there for a little over a year, and greatly enjoyed it. I was able to process through a lot of my struggle, and found that it’s hard to be judgmental of worship leaders when you are one. Eventually, the stress of life got to me and I stepped down from the position.

I’ve grown comfortable with the phrase “recovering.” It used to imply alcoholic or drug abuser. Now I know it can apply to anyone struggling with life change.

So here I sit, a recovering worship leader, trying to make sense of all the junk I’m unpiling out of my head. Half of it I don’t know what to do with, but I’m learning as I go. It’s a daily process.

As always, thanks for following me on my journey.

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Why I just sing when I lead worship

With all due respect, I disagree with Carlos Whitaker.

Carlos Whitaker is a well known worship leader. Last year, he posted a blog post about whether a worship leader should talk while leading, or just sing. He believes that a worship leader that just sings is nothing more than a singer. Worship leaders are a sort of preacher, preaching with melody as well as words. Even though I’m a year late in reading it, here’s my take on it.

I find talking during musical worship distracting. When I’m in worship, I prefer to be left alone with the melody, lyrics and the God I’m trying to focus on. When a worship leader begins talking, and sharing their words and prayers, I have no room left for the words and prayers I want to offer.

Part of this is due to my introverted personality. I like quiet and a space to be introspective, even when I’m surrounded by noise. Quite honestly, worship can be stimulus overload for me. If my ears are being filled with someone else’s words, it makes it so much harder for me to worship. I usually stop trying and just wait for the music to be over.

Years ago, when I first tried my hand at worship leading and had absolutely no idea what I was doing, there were certain things I felt I needed to do. Talking was one of those things. Whenever there was a long instrumental interlude, I felt like it was my worship leader obligation to fill that void with something. Insightful, spiritual words. A prayer. Memorized Scripture. Anything. It’s what worship leaders do. At least all the worship leaders I had seen.

Every time I tried, it felt weird. Forced. Awkward. Really awkward. Talking during those times when I wasn’t singing just didn’t work for me. Again, probably due to my introverted personality. When I lead worship, I prefer to sing the song as simply as I can, without any extra embellishments to the melody and without any extra words. I try my best to get out of the way and let the congregation worship in whatever way they need.

It just feels more natural to me.

I also feel that talking during instrumental interludes is rude to the band. Those interludes are the time for them to worship God with their gifts. If I talk over their music, I’m taking away from their gift of worship.

What do you think? How do you feel about talking during worship?

 

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Quiet communion

My absolute biggest pet peeve in worship is music during communion.

Here’s why I hate music during communion. I take communion seriously. Very seriously. It is one of the most sacred times of worship. It’s the time that I remember the sacrifice Christ made for me, where I repent of my sins and where I try to devote my life and heart to Him (probably for the 1,062 time. I’m a slow learner.) I am not one of those people that race to the front of the line and pop the bread and juice in my mouth. I take time to prepare, and I take the Scripture seriously where Jesus declares that those who take it flippantly are in danger of judgment.

I need time to pray, prepare my heart, beg for forgiveness. I need to prostrate myself before God, get real with Him. If for whatever reason, I feel that my heart is not in the right place, I don’t take communion.

I’m sitting in my seat, bowing before the Lord, trying to get my heart right before Him. Music begins, and people start singing. The ADD part of me can no longer pray the words I need to pray, because I can only concentrate on the words being sung.

It’s frustrating. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my special time with God. Most times, I just give up and not take communion, because I can’t prepare my heart properly.

I’ve been to services where special music is done during communion. Some solo is done while we trudge up the aisles in the obligatory sacrament. This is the worst, in my opinion. Not only can I not engage in the singing during the most sacred time of the service, my head is filled with words that only the singer thinks are special.

Many churches, mine included, usually play some soft instrumental music during communion. I’m mostly okay with this. I know the majority have a real problem with complete silence and it makes the time seem less “awkward,” I guess. But sometimes, even with instrumental music, I’ll recognize the tune and then start humming along in my head. Once again, my head is filled with some other words instead of what I really need to pray.

I love absolute silence during communion. I know it feels weird for most, and the times of complete silence are usually when you trip over a chair making a really loud noise on your way up the aisle, causing everyone to turn around. In all seriousness though, I love having no distractions around me, and as long as everyone else in the service got the memo that this is not the time to catch up with your neighbor through loud whispers, I think it’s the most beautiful time of the service.

What are your thoughts on music during communion?

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Worshiping even when…

It’s been a rough year for me. Through it all, I’ve fluctuated between firmly believing God is in control to pity parties because I’m so flipping miserable.

My health has been the issue that tends to throw me into a downward spiral. I’ve shared briefly in the past about an issue I’ve been having with my left ear; a constant feeling of pressure that will not go away. In the last year, I’ve had blood tests, x-rays, CT scans, allergy tests, steroid prescriptions and a minor surgical procedure done. I’ve spent more money on doctor visits than I ever have before.

After all that, I was finally (properly) diagnosed. The problem was given a name: Pulsatile Tinnitus. (I’ll let you google that if you’re really curious.)

Even though it was a relief to finally know what was going on, I was crushed to hear that there was nothing that could be done for it. Luckily, it’s not life threatening or painful. It’s just really annoying to live with.

I’m left wondering, “Why, God? Why? You’re the great healer, so why not fix this?”

And maybe He will. I have faith that He could. But He’s not fixing it right now. For whatever reason, I’ve been plagued with this weird ailment that sometimes makes me dizzy and exhausted.

I’ve thrown my pity parties. I’ve been angry at God. I’m annoyed that He gave me this thorn in my side.

But what good does that do?

I know that God does not always give us wonderful days and easy times. I’ve known that from the start of this whole Christian journey. So why should I be surprised when things don’t go my way?

When it all comes down to it, He is always faithful and still deserves my worship. If I only worship Him when things are going well, that makes me a pretty shallow person.

So I’ll continue to thank Him for all the good in my life (because there is plenty) and tell Him how awesome He is. Even if it’s just a little prayer eked out here and there because that’s all I have energy for. My worship right now won’t be big and energetic, but that’s okay. It’s coming from where I’m at; low energy and tired, but still trying.

He is still worthy, no matter how bad things get.

Question: How have you worshiped through the hard times in your life?

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When I get tired of thinking about worship

Because I blog about worship, I think about worship. A lot. Sometimes I get really tired of thinking about it.

I left church this Sunday with the all too familiar frustrations that I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m not connecting, I’m tired of church people, is God really in all this… all that stuff that I’m trying so desperately to work through. Some days I think I’m doing better with it all, other days it all comes back and bites me in the butt.

I left feeling overwhelmed, with thoughts and frustrations churning through my head. Before I knew it, I felt a good cry coming on. (I’m a woman. I do that from time to time.) I ended up bailing on the lunch plans I had and went home to get the good cry out. Cause when you have a good cry come on, there’s just no stopping it.

After sniffling and sobbing for a bit, I pulled myself together and drove out to one of my favorite parks. I took a long walk through the fall-ish air, enjoying the relative cool and just taking deep breaths.

A long walk alone was what I needed.

Because this is more worshipful to me than any service. No stage lights, no noise, no expectation to worship a certain way. Just me and God. This allows me to clear my head and get lost in my thoughts.

I’m so tired of thinking about worship. I keep trying to shift the pieces into place in my head and make them fit. This struggle is far from over and I do need to keep trying. I don’t want to give up on church and worship. I know they’re important.

But sometimes I need to stop trying so hard and simply worship in ways that feel really real to me.

Question: Have you ever tried too hard to make something make sense?

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Gratitude List #5

On the first Monday of each month, I post a gratitude list. It helps keep me from that “Oh, woe is me” mentality.

1. Crunchy leaves. I love taking walks and hearing the sound of crunchy leaves underfoot. It’s a sure sign that fall is among us.

2. Long walks in a park. It offers me quiet and space for the introspection I desperately need.

3. Amazing friends who are cheering me on. After being blessed with the opportunity to guest post for Jon Acuff, one of my newest and most wonderful friends bought me a card. On the front it said, “You Did It!” She was just as excited as I was for the opportunity, and wanted to cheer me on in the pursuit of my dreams and passions. It meant a lot.

4. My front porch. It’s become one of my favorite spots in my house. I love watching the birds and squirrels in the yard.

5. Pumpkin bread. Yum.

6. Writers Unite. This has been a great group of support in the midst of my writing endeavors. In the month of October, I was able to get much writing done on my book. The feedback I received was very encouraging and it really makes me want to get this thing done. (If you’d like more information about Writers Unite, click here.)

7. The fact that I woke up this morning. This one always sounds cheesy, but the simple gift of life is an amazing thing. I’m grateful to still be breathing.

8. My husband’s great sense of humor. This man keep me laughing even on the worst of days.

9. Cheap, stay at home dates. This past weekend my husband and I decided to have a date. We had it at home. Sitting on the front porch listening to Prairie Home Companion on the radio, we sipped drinks and just enjoyed each other’s company. It was wonderful.

10. God’s grace. With how much I get stuck inside myself, He still hasn’t given up on me. Thank You, Jesus.

What are you thankful for this month?