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My real problem

I started writing to work through some really tangled issues in my head. I had a problem and I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to get to the root of it, solve it, and move on.

For a couple years, I’ve assumed my problem was with worship. Since musical worship used to be so special and now is just music, I figured my issue was with that. And while much of the difficulty lies there, it’s bigger than worship.

I think I’ve uncovered the root of my problem, why worship feels fake, and why going to church is such a struggle for me. It’s bigger than not liking the music style or the selection of songs.

I’ve become disillusioned by the Christian culture. This culure that has made me believe this happy, safe bubble was the way to live. That by surrounding myself with music that only speaks of Jesus or shopping in stores that limit their market to the select Christian evangelical, I will be well. Saved. Blessed.

Then I hit the real world, and my bubble got popped. That happy little Christian world I built up has crumbled around me, leaving me in shell shock as I brush off the pieces.

I see Christian music as a marketing tool and Christian stores as irrelevant chains that keep Christians locked away from the real world. I’m resentful. I’m shaking my fist at the church, screaming, “How dare you misguide me?”

I’m completely disillusioned with the church, with Christian subculture, with worship music, with every shiny piece of merchandise that states, “Jesus is the light of the world.”

It makes sense that this problem would surface most obviously in music. Music shaped much of my adult life and made me who I am today. It’s the career path I chose. I believed that I would be taking my music and using it always to glorify Jesus.

And I think that is still my purpose, but with a slightly divergent path.

I’m thankful that I’ve been able to identify the root of my problem. From here, I hope to continue to work through my resentments and emerge healed, albeit bumped and bruised from the journey.

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The meaning behind the tag line

The tagline on my blog is “Thoughts from a Recovering Worship Leader.” I haven’t talked much about that and what I mean by it. A large part is feeling burnt out by this whole worship thing and needing to take a step back. When I led, I often felt empty and dry, like I had nothing to offer to people. It was like my well inside me was sucked dry. I served until I had nothing left.

The last service that I led worship for was a recovery service called Celebrate Recovery. I walked into that service out of curiosity, not addiction. I was a relatively well adjusted church girl with no issues (how naïve I was). I had heard great things about the service and what they were doing, so I began attending. Long story short, I took part in the small groups and a step study and realized I wasn’t as well adjusted as I thought. I uncovered feelings of fear and insecurity. I found safety in that service, along with real, genuine people. I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery to anyone, not just alcoholics and drug addicts.

I was approached about leading worship for that service, and after some prayer, accepted. I was hesitant, because I was starting to feel the struggle of worship that plagued me and still plagues me. I felt like a fake up there, because I didn’t have it all together. But then I realized that nobody in that room had it all together. I was in good company.

I led worship there for a little over a year, and greatly enjoyed it. I was able to process through a lot of my struggle, and found that it’s hard to be judgmental of worship leaders when you are one. Eventually, the stress of life got to me and I stepped down from the position.

I’ve grown comfortable with the phrase “recovering.” It used to imply alcoholic or drug abuser. Now I know it can apply to anyone struggling with life change.

So here I sit, a recovering worship leader, trying to make sense of all the junk I’m unpiling out of my head. Half of it I don’t know what to do with, but I’m learning as I go. It’s a daily process.

As always, thanks for following me on my journey.