Sometimes I walk away from worship and think, “Well, I just didn’t get there today.” Better luck next week.
Where am I trying to go?
As if worship is a special destination, a road trip of the mind that we have to take every time we walk through the sanctuary doors. I feel like I have to “feel” a certain way and have certain emotions to worship properly. If I don’t get to that special place, there was really no worship.
One Easter Sunday, a couple years back when this worship struggle was fresh and still really tender, my husband and I walked into our usual church service. I was less than excited about being there because I was tired of not feeling. There was this dull void when the music started and I was exhausted from trying to convince myself to “get there.”
I got through the music without crying in frustration, which was a feat at the time. I was still feeling nothing. The time for communion came. Communion is something that I don’t mess around with. The Bible talks very seriously of this holy sacrament, and I don’t take it lightly.
And when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying,“This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.
So then, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord.
I Corinthians 11:24-27
If I don’t feel that I am properly prepared, I don’t hesitate to not take communion. If there feels like there is something between me and God, some unresolved conflict, I am not putting the elements in my body. I take time before each communion to pray, confess my sins, and thank God for all He’s done for me. I strive very hard not to take it because everyone else is doing it.
For these reasons, I hesitated to take communion that Easter morning. There was that unexplained ick lingering over me, unresolved issues that were swallowing my brain. I tried hard to pray, and still came up dry.
The pastor that morning shared how taking communion was another way to worship. Then he said something earth shattering (at least to me).
“Even if you don’t feel like it, come and worship.”
Now, I don’t think that was permission to throw caution to the wind and dance up the aisle, taking communion nonchalantly. Instead, it spoke to my heart and said, “Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to get to that place. Come as you are.”
So I did. I eked out a prayer that essentially was, “I’m sorry, God. Help me.”
And I went and worshipped. I didn’t get to that special place, and that was okay. God took me as I was.
Do you try too hard to get to a certain place, feeling, or emotion in worship?
