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Last Wednesday, October 4th, marked the one year anniversary of Rebooting Worship. I started this blog because I was frustrated. Tired of trying to connect with musical worship at church and constantly coming up dry. The more I complained to my husband about it, the more he said, “Sounds like you need to write about it.”

So I did. With my wonderful tech supporting hubby, Rebooting Worship was born. I had no idea what would come out of it, I just knew that I desperately needed to process. It has helped immensely.

Here are some things I’ve figured out on my journey:

It’s okay to not like worship music. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

If you don’t like worship music, stop blaming and judging the worship leader. It’s your issue, not his/hers.

 Worship goes through seasons. What was worshipful for you years ago may not be worshipful now.

I worship more through writing than I do through typical worship music.

Worship is not about me. (It’s sad how long it took to figure that one out.)

Warm fuzzies do not a successful worship set make.

Just because I struggle does not mean I love God any less. 

I am incredibly thankful to you, the reader. Thanks for hanging around and listening to me ramble. I’ve loved connecting with so many of you in the comments. I’ve learned that I’m not alone.

Here’s to the next year and whatever it may bring.

You know what I do far too often in life? Compare myself to others. I was guilty of it while pursuing my music degree, feeling vocally insignificant compared to the operatic powerhouses that surrounded me. I’m guilty of it online, comparing how many likes one of my comments got to another commenter. I’m guilty of it in worship too.

As a worship leader, I’ll compare my leading to another leader. They’re smiling more. They raise their hands over their heads to encourage the congregation without dropping their guitar (sure, it’s on a strap, but that sucker’s gonna slide if I take my hand off the neck). They’re practically dancing behind their mike stand. My leading seems so simplistic compared with theirs.

I compare myself to other worshipers. The people in the front row are dancing and raising their hands and I’m just standing here. They’re worshiping better, or harder than me.

I’ve shared how I’m learning there is no right way to worship. I’ve shared how I’m done feeling guilty for not worshiping a certain way. Now, I’m done comparing myself to other worshipers.

Have you ever compared yourself in worship?

Years ago, when I first became a Christian, worship meant happy. I equated it with warm fuzzies and an emotional high tied to the music. If worship didn’t have those basic ingredients, something was wrong, and it obviously wasn’t worship.

It never occurred to me that worship might have the opposite effect.

My husband and I have been certified lay speakers in the Methodist Church. We sat through a weekend of classes that then qualified us to stand at the pulpit in our church and share a message. My husband preached more than I, and he is dang good at it. After one sermon, he expressed a frustration. Everyone came to him after, shook his hand with a warm smile and said, “That was a wonderful message.” And then they’d walk out happily into their Sunday afternoon, chattering about where to go to lunch that day.

My very wise husband said, “If I’m really doing my job right, then I should be making them uncomfortable.”

Sometimes worship disturbs me and sometimes it affirms me. I prefer affirming. The warm fuzzies emerge and all is well with the world. But if I want to progress in my faith, I need to be disturbed. Something needs to spur me onto something greater, rather than encouraging me to stay put and relish in the happy feelings and all the good in me.

I want to be a better Christian. I want to be able to love God more fully and offer grace to my neighbor. In order to do that, sometimes my boat needs to be rocked a bit. I need that slap in the face that all is not well with the world and I need to make some changes.

It’s not pretty, but it’s necessary if I want to become like Jesus.

I’m posting on Godly Writers again, about beating the addiction of blog stats. Check out the post here.

If you’re here from Godly Writers, thanks for visiting! Here are some posts you might enjoy:

Worshiping in the low points

My starved imagination

Trying to get there

When I feel like Cain

Worship is not about me

“Judge not, lest you be judged.”

Matthew 7:1

I’ve always considered myself a pretty non-judgemental person. I give others grace. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t expect perfection from others. Somewhere along the way, that changed. I’ve become an extremely judgmental person, at least as far as worship goes. I hate it.

I’ve been in denial about it for awhile, thinking my thoughts were justified. Perhaps some have been, but it’s no excuse for the judgmental thoughts I’ve had toward worship leaders. People whose heart I know is in the right place, people who are genuinely loving on God with all their musical ability. I judge them and roll my eyes during their worship set because of a certain song they choose or the way they lead.

I am a judgmental person and for that I repent. God, help me.

I want to walk into worship and have grace for the people that are up on stage. Even if I hate every song they do, I want to see what they’re doing as real, heartfelt worship. I want to offer them the grace that I so desperately need.

I’m fighting this hard. It gets so engrained in you and it’s hard to get it out. I feel like I take things so personally. When a worship leader shouts out instructions that I don’t feel like doing, I let out an audible huff and cross my arms in front of me. I don’t need to follow every instruction thrown out by leaders (I don’t want to jump up and down. That’s not authentic worship for me), but I also don’t need to act so offended that they are making efforts to engage me in worship.

To every worship leader that I have judged, I am sorry.

It’s not been a good month for me. At all. I’ve had disappointments and let-downs. My left ear constantly reminds me that it’s not happy. After repeat doctor visits, it’s looking like time is the only thing that will hopefully heal it. Not exactly what I want to hear. I want magic ear drops that make it all better.

Because of my ear/eustachian tube issue, my energy level is totally zapped. The smallest task leaves me drained. I’ve just about given up on everything just to let my body rest.

I hate to say it, but I think worship is among the things I’ve given up on. I’ve tried picking up my Bible, or journaling, or praying, and the energy simply is not there. It’s really hard to worship when you feel like crap.

And that’s not okay. God still deserves praise even when I don’t feel good.

So how do I worship when I feel like I’m at one of the lowest points I’ve been in awhile?

For one, realizing that God accepts my feeble prayer. He doesn’t need big, flowery words. He knows my heart, and He knows I love Him deeply even when I can’t say it like I want to.

Another way is to keep pushing through and not give up. Acknowledge that I don’t feel good but don’t wallow in the self pity (not that I ever do that…)

And one last way is to worship Him through the rest that I so desperately need right now. God knows rest is important, and when we take the time for it, I believe we honor Him.

How have you worshipped in your low points?

I get hung up in the fact that I don’t like certain worship songs. Because, y’know, it’s all about me and my preferences.

I was convicted of this several years ago after a worship service while my husband and I were driving home. The worship band had done a song that morning that I loved. It was a song I had heard on the radio a few times and had thought how much I would love to hear it in worship. It had to do with missions and reaching out to people in Jesus’ name. (I’m a sucker for anything mission related.) When the worship band began to play it, I was ecstatic and was immediately swept away in the spirit of worship.

As we drove home, my husband commented on the song.

“I couldn’t stand that song. It was so repetitive. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.”

For a second, I was stunned. How could he not be moved by the glorious message in that song?

Then I thought back a few weeks. A song that I simply could not stand had been done in worship. Shortly after, I heard a friend share how it was one of her favorite songs. Every time they did the song, it totally spoke to her. I smiled and kept my opinions to myself.

Every song will not speak to every person. And that’s okay. Different styles and lyrics and messages appeal to and reach out to different people.

I have to remind myself when I’m rolling my eyes at a certain song that someone a few seats down may be having a real coming-to-Jesus moment. Rather than complain about the song, I should simply focus on my God and wait for the next song that may move me.

You’re not only in the melody

You’re in everything I breathe

You are all around me

I have not failed to find You

If I fail to meet You here

Worship is more than a song

You’ve made that abundantly clear

I wrote the above words in my journal several months ago. Y’know what I’m slowly coming to grips with? I don’t really like much worship music anymore.

Y’know what else I’m slowly coming to grips with? The fact that that’s okay.

Worship is more than a song, so why does it matter if I fail to “connect” in musical worship? I think I’ve made myself feel guilty if I don’t connect. I feel pressure when I go to church to connect with the music. And really, that’s no one’s fault but my own. If I’m letting myself be pressured to worship a certain way because of the people around me, then that’s my problem.

I’m not going to feel guilty anymore.

I’ve shared before about my struggle between the fine line of worship and performing. It’s hard to be up there and maintain that worship mindset when there are hundreds of people watching your every move. Sometimes we get so focused on the people that it turns into a big production. Flashy lights, fog machines, expensive amps… the list goes on.

But I am a strong believer in artistic expression being a form of worship. Creative people have gifts that they want to give back to God. Singers sing, dancers dance, painters paint.

So what about the sound and tech guys? Their job is full of chances for artistic expression.

I am not a fan of the fog machines and fancy lights and big concert-like worship. But those artistically placed lights are a way for that lighting person to glorify God. Who am I to judge him/her for that?

This is one of my struggles… keeping worship at the heart of worship and yet allowing everyone in the house of God a chance to share their gifts.

I know much of this lies in each individual person’s heart and their motives. That person planning the fancy show is probably truly doing it to glorify God. If that’s the case, then it’s my issue when I continually get hung up on production value. On the other hand, I’ve been around a few tech guys that made me uncomfortable. It seemed they only wanted to show off their vast knowledge and were completely hung up on themselves.

What are your thoughts on artistic expression vs. production value?