Posted on by jamie

Trying to get there

Sometimes I walk away from worship and think, “Well, I just didn’t get there today.” Better luck next week.

Where am I trying to go?

As if worship is a special destination, a road trip of the mind that we have to take every time we walk through the sanctuary doors. I feel like I have to “feel” a certain way and have certain emotions to worship properly. If I don’t get to that special place, there was really no worship.

One Easter Sunday, a couple years back when this worship struggle was fresh and still really tender, my husband and I walked into our usual church service. I was less than excited about being there because I was tired of not feeling. There was this dull void when the music started and I was exhausted from trying to convince myself to “get there.”

I got through the music without crying in frustration, which was a feat at the time. I was still feeling nothing. The time for communion came. Communion is something that I don’t mess around with. The Bible talks very seriously of this holy sacrament, and I don’t take it lightly.

And when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying,“This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”  For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

So then, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord.

I Corinthians 11:24-27

If I don’t feel that I am properly prepared, I don’t hesitate to not take communion. If there feels like there is something between me and God, some unresolved conflict, I am not putting the elements in my body. I take time before each communion to pray, confess my sins, and thank God for all He’s done for me. I strive very hard not to take it because everyone else is doing it.

For these reasons, I hesitated to take communion that Easter morning. There was that unexplained ick lingering over me, unresolved issues that were swallowing my brain. I tried hard to pray, and still came up dry.

The pastor that morning shared how taking communion was another way to worship. Then he said something earth shattering (at least to me).

“Even if you don’t feel like it, come and worship.”

Now, I don’t think that was permission to throw caution to the wind and dance up the aisle, taking communion nonchalantly. Instead, it spoke to my heart and said, “Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to get to that place. Come as you are.”

So I did. I eked out a prayer that essentially was, “I’m sorry, God. Help me.”

And I went and worshipped. I didn’t get to that special place, and that was okay. God took me as I was.

Do you try too hard to get to a certain place, feeling, or emotion in worship?

11 Replies to “Trying to get there”

  2. I think we sometimes think the key thing is the destination when sometimes the journey is as important and sometimes more.

    1. What a beautiful point.

      Mark, thank you so much for reading and commenting consistently. I really appreciate it, and love the thoughts you share in your comments. I’d like to ask you a question, if I may. What sort of posts/material would you like to see more of on this blog?

      1. I think the ones that resonate the most are the things you blog about that you struggle with. I think you do a great job on the things you post on.

  3. Hey Jamie, thanks again for stopping by my blog. I’ve poked around here a bit, but I hadn’t comments yet. For reason reason I wanted to wait before I jumped in just yet.
    I have a friend who is a woman and a worship leader, and I’ve led worship before for college groups. It’s a hard place to be sometimes, but what a privilege. Of course the Enemy attacts our worship teams, because he hates it when we worship God in any area of our life.
    I think the things that have helped the most have been to release expectations (but expect that God is working), and grace. There is grace for you, the worship leader, and there is grace for the congregation. All we can do as worship leaders is lead from a transparent place of where we are at with the Lord, and as worshippers we respond out that same place. And for me, that time during Sunday morning just reveals where my heart has been all week with God. That revelation isn’t to condem me but to bring the Light of His love, His faithfulness, and His goodness into those areas where I am doubting who He is. And then, when I am reminded of who He is and who I am in Christ, the worship comes.
    I appreciate Mark’s reminder-the journey is so important.
    Most congregants don’t have a clue about the heart of their worship leader (or their pastors), but quickly assume they do. Thanks for sharing your journey here. 🙂

    1. “And for me, that time during Sunday morning just reveals where my heart has been all week with God.”

      THAT’S a powerful statement. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  4. I once heard a pastor (Jonathan Martin) speak about the power of showing up to worship (be it prayer, quiet time, reading the Bible, an actual service, etc.) when you don’t feel like it. He said it’s not disrespectful, it’s building good habits. It’s telling God that you love Him enough to show up even when you’d rather scrub the toilet. Sometimes (like you showed here), God still uses the days when we don’t “feel it.”

    Katie

  5. Summoning up worship feelings – yeah, I do that. Way too much.

    There are people, I suppose, who need to learn how to give a little effort. I’m not one of them. I’m one who gives every ounce until I’ve run dry and crashed and burned, and then beat myself up for not having more. The only prayer I know that deals with this properly is “God, have me. Do with me as you desire.” ‘Cause my brain is fuzz and my heart is cold and my emotions are dead and getting into the right headspace is just not gonna happen on my own strength.

    (I’m kinda learning how totally dependent I need to be on God, and that such dependency is right and proper and good and not shameful at all. One of these days the lesson is going to sink in. I hope.)

Comments are closed.