I am insecure. From the time I was little, I have been shy, introverted, and worried that I am just not good enough. It’s a problem I’ve recently been able to embrace head on and slowly tackle to the ground, escaping it’s tight clenches. On good days, I shake it off and emerge a seemingly well adjusted adult.
But on my bad days, it rears it’s ugly head and I am once again that insecure, gangly teenager with braces and bad acne. On really bad days it’s hard to know how to beat it and rise to the surface of contentedness again.
Because I am insecure, I like attention and affirmation. I like to know that what I have to say is worthwhile. I leave comments on blogs just to see if people will think it’s smart, funny, or thought provoking. Some of my facebook statuses are simply for attention; to see how many comments or “likes” I get.
I just had the awkward realization recently that I use worship for attention sometimes. It’s like I need to make sure that God is paying attention to me; that He knows I’m still here and He hasn’t forgotten me. Sometimes I feel like a little kid who is tugging at dad’s coattail to show off the neat trick I just learned.
I know that God wants to fill me up and meet my every need. That includes my need for love, affirmation, and attention. He is eagerly waiting for me to let Him fill me. This is part of faith.
But this is not what worship is. Worship is about Him and paying attention to Him. It’s not about the attention I feel I need. It’s about the adoration He is so worthy of. Forget about the warm fuzzies and instead focus on the Holy One who has done so much for me already.
Perhaps if I could just pull myself out of my simplistic struggles and just give Him the attention He deserves, I might find that my cup is filled too. And the overflow helps flood away the insecurity.